ahhh... most awful heart aching break up? don't even have to think twice about that one. that would be none other than sir jonathon himself.
what did he do? well.. if i tried to tell you all of it this post would become a small novel. i'll try to keep it breif.. although i don't think you can quite grasp the full extent of the pain/torment if i leave too much out.

it all started when was 17. we'd been together for a year. it was golden. so much in love. we moved in together. thought it was going to be the best time of my life. i was wrong. he still worked at a place that i used to work at too. as soon as i quit, some other chick started working there. long story short, she called all the time at 2AM, she stood outside my door screaming shit at me such as "jonathon doesn't really love you. you treat him like shit. you're such a stupid bitch whore." and so on. she used to sit outside our door just waiting for him to leave. he would not tell her to just leave us alone. he wouldn't say anything when she was screaming at me. he wouldn't stick up for me. so that pissed me off.

fast forward a few years. other shit went on in those 2 years, but nothing too unbearable. at least not that i can think of at the moment.
we move to a different state, get an apartment together. shit happens..both on my side and his, but mostly mine. i admit it. after living together for a year, our lease was up. so we started looking for a different place. we checked out a lot of apartments and finally decided on one. so we fill everything out, get the lease signed and move in. 2 days after we move in we have to come back to our hometown because his cousin was getting married. so we come back. my parents are out of town so i'm supposed to stay at their house and take care of the pets. i ask jonathon if he'll stay with me because i hate being alone. he says he will. i make sure and ask him a few times just to be certain. we go to a friends house that night. huge party. saw people i hadn't seen since high school. there's a girl there. she's acting all weird towards my jonathon. i get tired around 3am and head home. jonathon refuses to go with me. wants to hang out some more. so i'm kinda mad, but i just tell him to come over when he's done. he promises he will. well... 5:30 rolls around and no jonathon. not even a call. i try to call my friend's house but no one answers. so i drive over there. sure enough, he's still drinking and partying with that girl. so i ask him if he was even planning on coming over like he promised. we get into a huge fight. i drag him to the front yard so we can talk. he is just acting like a complete ass. i don't know why. finally i get so pissed i just go home. he finally makes it to my house at 7:45am. i ended up spending the night alone. so obviously i'm not too happy. he's still acting like an ass. i take him home, he goes to the wedding without me. he's supposed to call me before the reception, but he doesn't. he doesn't call at all. i finally call him around midnight to see what's up. he's over at our friend's house with that girl again. he refuses to come see me. he is breaking all kinds of promises to me. i ask him if he's coming over later to stay with me so i don't have to be alone. he says maybe. so there i was... crying like a little bitch all night long alone in my house. finally my doorbell rings, it's his little brother. he sent him to check on me to see if i was ok. he just couldn't tear himself away from that girl to see if i was ok. his brother kneels down on the floor by me and holds me while i cry. he kisses my forehead and tells me it will be ok. he has a curfew at that point in time though so he has to go home soon. he leaves and tells me he'll tell jonathon to come over. finally around 4am jonathon makes it to my house. we have a smoke on my front porch and i ask him all kinds of questions. one of which was something to the effect of "pick me or Liz" and he said Liz. He would pick some girl he barely knew over me. the girl he'd known since we were 16 years old and gone through so much with. so i told him to get the fuck off my property. the next day rolls around and we go back to our apartment. on the drive back he tells me he's moving out. we had just signed a year long lease 4 days before that. but all of a sudden he's unhappy and can't live with me anymore. so naturally i'm pissed and confused as hell. it makes me sick to my stomach. we finally get home and i run to the bathroom and throw up. i drag myself to the bedroom and lay down for awhile. did he come see if i was ok? no. he used MY cell phone to call Liz and chat with her. After a week his friends come down so they can all look for a place to live together. Liz shows up too. She decided she was moving in with them also because she just broke up with her boyfriend of 3 years. So they go out looking for a place to live, i am left alone. all kinds of other bullshit goes on, but this is getting long already.

finally he moves out.... he lives he Liz and 2 of our other friends. i'm not allowed at their house. he lies to me so much during this time. tells me his room is on the main level.. it's not. it's upstairs right next to Liz's. I am now living alone, confused and terrified. I don't know what the hell is going on and he's just acting like i don't fucking matter. I call him because i'm have an anxiety attack, he tells me to "just fucking deal with it sam". he refuses to see me. he refuses to talk to me. he's never home. the only time i see him is when he needs a ride home from work. i have to beg and plead just so he'll spend half an hour with me. and even then he only stayed because i'd have sex with him. that was the only way i could get him to see me. at that point in time i was barely eating anything, just smoking and crying my eyes out all day/night long. i couldn't sleep... i couldn't do anything. i couldn't get a straight answer from him. we were supposed to go to a concert together, but he tells me he doesn't really want to go, so i give up my ticket because i don't have anyone else to go with. i go home to see my parents instead. he ends up going to the concert with Liz. he fucking ditched me hardcore. Liz is saying all kinds of shit like that he got her pregnant and she had to have an abortion, saying that they're going out etc. finally i get him to snap out of his weird personality switch and we move to colorado.

well.. things were mostly good since then. except for about 3 or 4 weeks ago. i was really sick and had to stay home in bed for a week. he went out and did the normal stuff we do with our friends. well, wednesday morning he comes over to my house crying. i figure somebody died so i'm freaking out. he finally tells me he fucked up. apparently he got super super drunk and pretty much fucked one of my friends. yeah.... not cool.

i realize this is long, and it's not even all of it. lets just say that he ripped my world apart and crushed my heart. he made me feel like the most worthless person on the planet and made me want to die.

the worst thing i ever did to a boyfriend..hrmm.. i've done some pretty bad shit too. i'll admit it. i'm no angel. i suppose the worst thing (at least in my eyes) was dating one of his semi-friends when we were on a break up. i feel like an idiot for that cuz that guy is a loser.


so.... that's my story. well, partially anyway.
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"when you look around, you can't tell me honestly you're happy with what you see"