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#22035 - 08/05/04 08:43 PM Funny tech quotes
§intå× Offline


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Registered: 12/03/02
Posts: 3255
Loc: Maryland
"Why would anyone ever turn off their computer ?
During the winter my computer doubles as an extra radiator.
Cooling fans generate white noise, which helps me get to sleep.
Who has time for boot sequences?
As long as the computer is running, it's not broken.
Computer doubles as a power failure notification device.
My penis grows 1mm every 5 days of uptime.
Can claim CPU cycles donated to SETI@home, folding@home et al, as charitable donations on my income taxes.
Somebody might say something important on IRC.
Too difficult to find power switch with eye crust.
When computer is off, it is no longer protected by the firewall."

"Pentiums melt in your PC, not in your hand"

"All computers wait at the same speed."

"The only thing more dangerous than a hardware guy with a code patch is a programmer with a soldering iron."

"You can bring any calculator you like to the midterm, as long as it doesn't dim the lights when you turn it on."

"3 Biggest Computer Room Lies:
As long as you remember to 'SAVE' your input, you'll never lose any files.
We run the stuff through as fast as it comes in the door.
The new machines are in order."

"A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a workstation..."

"Working computer hardware is a lot like an erect penis: it stays up as long as you don't fuck with it."

"Want to come see my HARD DRIVE ? I promise it isn't 3.5 inches and it ain't floppy."


Program /n./
1. A magic spell cast over a computer allowing it to turn one's input into error messages.
2. An exercise in experimental epistemology.
3. A form of art, ostensibly intended for the instruction of computers, which is nevertheless almost inevitably a failure if other programmers can't understand it.


Programming /n./
1. The art of debugging an empty file.
2. A pastime similar to banging one's head against a wall, but with fewer opportunities for reward.
3. The most fun you can have with your clothes on (although clothes are not mandatory).


Programmer /n./ A red-eyed, mumbling mammal capable of conversing with inanimate objects.

"If you give someone a program, you will frustrate them for a day; if you teach them how to program, you will frustrate them for a lifetime."

Software is like sex; if you feel the need to pay for it you can always find someone willing to take your money."

"Vampireware /n/, a project, capable of sucking the lifeblood out of anyone unfortunate enough to be assigned to it, which never actually sees the light of day, but nonetheless refuses to die."

"2 + 2 = 5, for extremely large values of 2."

"The nice thing about standards is that there are so many to choose from."

"All programmers are optimists. Perhaps this modern sorcery especially attracts those who believe in happy endings and fairy godmothers. Perhaps the hundreds of nitty frustrations drive away all but those who habitually focus on the end goal.
Perhaps it is merely that computers are young, programmers are younger, and the young are always optimists. But however the selection process works, the result is indisputable: 'This time it will surely run' or 'I just found the last bug'."

"Programming is an art form that fights back."

"MacOS, Windows, BeOS: they're all just Xerox copies."

"A logician trying to explain logic to a programmer is like a cat trying to explain to a fish what it's like to get wet."

"Artificial Intelligence: the art of making computers that behave like the ones in movies."

"AI: anything a computer can't do yet."

"You start coding. I'll go find out what they want."

"As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing."

"Hacking is like sex. You get in, you get out, and hope that you didn't leave something that can be traced back to you."

"If your computer speaks English, it was probably made in Japan."

"Programmers are tools for converting caffeine into code."

"Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning."

/* You are not expected to understand this */

"The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance."

"Sysadmins are the janitors of Information Technology, no matter how much the current crop of adolescents looks up to them like boys in the past admired riverboat pilots and railroad engineers."

"Shift to the left, shift to the right !
Pop up, push down, byte, byte, byte !"

"To define recursion, we must first define recursion."

"Software Independent: Won't work with ANY software."

"UNIX is an operating system, OS/2 is half an operating system, Windows is a shell, and DOS is a boot partition virus."

"Linux is only free if your time is worthless."

"Linux: find out what you've been missing while you've been rebooting Windows NT."

"Here is your parachute and here is the manual.
Welcome to Linux."

"unzip; strip; touch; finger; mount; fsck; more; yes; unmount; sleep"

"Whip me. Beat me. Make me maintain AIX."

"3 Biggest Software Lies:
The program's fully tested and bug-free.
We're working on the documentation.
Of course we can modify it."


"Profanity is the one language all programmers know best."

"It's 5.50 a.m.... Do you know where your stack pointer is ?"

C /n./: A programming language that is sort of like Pascal except more like assembly except that it isn't very much like either one, or anything else. It is either the best language available to the art today, or it isn't.

"I have yet to meet a C compiler that is more friendly and easier to use than eating soup with a knife."

"In My Egotistical Opinion, most people's C programs should be indented six feet downward and covered with dirt."

"C++: Hard to learn and built to stay that way."

"How C++ is like teenage sex:
It is on everyone's mind all the time.
Everyone talks about it all the time.
Everyone thinks everyone else is doing it.
Almost no one is really doing it.
The few who are doing it are: A. Doing it poorly. B. Sure it will be better next time. C. Not practising it safely."


"Some languages are designed to solve a problem. Others are designed to prove a point."
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#22036 - 08/06/04 05:31 AM Re: Funny tech quotes
unreal Offline



Registered: 03/01/02
Posts: 860
Loc: KCRQ
Quote:
My penis grows 1mm every 5 days of uptime.
Uptime: 56 days 10 hours 47 minutes 28 seconds
Kernel version: Microsoft Windows 2000, Uniprocessor Free
Product type: Professional
Product version: 5.0
Service pack: 2

Pwned with the quickness, bitches.

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#22037 - 08/06/04 05:46 AM Re: Funny tech quotes
§intå× Offline


*****

Registered: 12/03/02
Posts: 3255
Loc: Maryland
"The nice thing about standards is that there are so many to choose from."


I love that! It is sooooo true too. Oh and ureal...


Quote:
"Working computer hardware is a lot like an erect penis: it stays up as long as you don't fuck with it."
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#22038 - 08/06/04 11:37 PM Re: Funny tech quotes
n0mel Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 04/30/04
Posts: 34
Loc: ...
hahahah...awsome comeback spanky.

/me bows to spanky.

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#22039 - 08/13/04 06:15 AM Re: Funny tech quotes
Red Mage Offline
Member

Registered: 10/24/03
Posts: 209
Loc: here.
I know you guys have heard it (or variations) a million times, but someone told me today "I've never used Microsoft, I use Windows" (this was said in an MSN conversation)
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Those who know do not say.

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