To be fair, I will post man bashing jokes first. Then I will post the funny ones.
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How does a man show that he is
planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer.
Why are blonde jokes so short?
So men can remember them.
How many honest, intelligent, caring men
in the world does it take to do the dishes?
Both of them.
Why does it take 1 million sperm
to fertilize one egg?
They don't stop and ask for directions.
How many men does it take to change
a roll of toilet paper?
We don't know; it has never happened.
What do you call a woman who knows
where her husband is every night?
Why is it difficult to find men who are
sensitive, caring and good looking?
They all already have boyfriends.
What is the one thing that all men at
singles bars have in common?
Why does a mans IQ go up when he is having sex?
Because he is plugged into a genius...
Why did God give men penises?
So we'd have at least one way to shut a woman up.
How is a woman like a laxative?
They both irritate the shit out of you.
What's worse than a male chauvinist pig?
A woman that won't do what she's told.
What's it called when a woman is paralyzed from the waist down?
Why are hangovers better than women?
Hangovers will go away.
What are the small bumps around a woman's' nipples for?
Its Braille for "suck here".
Why do most women pay more attention to their appearance than to improving their minds?
Because most men are stupid, but few are blind.
What does a 75 year old woman have between her breasts that a 25 year old doesn't?
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women?
He died laughing before he could tell anybody.
What's the difference between a woman with PMS and a pitbull?
What's a wife?
An attachment you screw on the bed to get the housework done.
Why do women have tits?
So men will talk to them.
Why do women close their eyes during sex?
They can't stand seeing a man have a good time.
What's six inches long and two inches wide and drives women wild?
What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?
You can unscrew a light bulb.
Why do women have periods?
They deserve them.
Why did God make man first?
He didn't want a woman looking over his shoulder.
If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag you, what have you done wrong?
Made her chain too long.
Why was the woman crossing the road?
Who cares! What's she doing out of the kitchen?
How many women does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they just sit there in the dark and bitch.
What's the difference between your wife and your job?
After 5 years your job will still suck.
Why can't you trust woman?
How can you trust something that bleeds for five days and doesn't die.
Q:What do you call an anorexic with a yeast infection?
A:A quater-pounder with cheese.
Q: What is in between an 80-year-old woman's breast
A: Her belly-button
This guy died with an erection. It was to big for the mortician to put him
in a coffin, so the wife told the mortician to cut it off and shove it up
his ass. The next day at the funeral the wife saw a tear in her dead
husband's eye. She bent over and said, "I told you it hurts you fucking
Q: why do women parachutists wear tampons?
A: so's they don't whistle on the way down.
Similiarity between a woman and a computer!
Both can accept a 3.5 inch floppy
TOP TEN THINGS WOMEN WOULD DO IF THEY WOKE UP AND HAD A PENIS FOR A DAY..
10. Get ahead faster in corporate America.
9. Get a blow job.
8. Find out what is so fascinating about beating the meat.
7. Pee standing up while talking to other men at a urinal.
6. Determine WHY you can't hit the bowl consistently.
5. Find out what it's like to be on the other end of a surging orgasm.
4. Touch yourself in public without thought as to how improper it may seem.
3. Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if it feels as funny as it looks.
2. Understand the scientific reason for the light refraction which occurs between a man's eyes and the ruler situated next to his member which causes two inches to be added to the final measurement.
1. Repeat number 9......