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#22227 - 12/13/03 11:17 AM Sexist jokes
§intå× Offline


*****

Registered: 12/03/02
Posts: 3255
Loc: Maryland
To be fair, I will post man bashing jokes first. Then I will post the funny ones. <img src=" title="" src="graemlins/laugh.gif" />

How does a man show that he is
planning for the future?

He buys two cases of beer.


Why are blonde jokes so short?

So men can remember them.


How many honest, intelligent, caring men
in the world does it take to do the dishes?

Both of them.


Why does it take 1 million sperm
to fertilize one egg?

They don't stop and ask for directions.


How many men does it take to change
a roll of toilet paper?

We don't know; it has never happened.


What do you call a woman who knows
where her husband is every night?

A widow.


Why is it difficult to find men who are
sensitive, caring and good looking?

They all already have boyfriends.


What is the one thing that all men at
singles bars have in common?

They're married.


Why does a mans IQ go up when he is having sex?

Because he is plugged into a genius...


-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Why did God give men penises?
So we'd have at least one way to shut a woman up.

How is a woman like a laxative?
They both irritate the shit out of you.

What's worse than a male chauvinist pig?
A woman that won't do what she's told.

What's it called when a woman is paralyzed from the waist down?
Marriage.

Why are hangovers better than women?
Hangovers will go away.

What are the small bumps around a woman's' nipples for?
Its Braille for "suck here".

Why do most women pay more attention to their appearance than to improving their minds?
Because most men are stupid, but few are blind.

What does a 75 year old woman have between her breasts that a 25 year old doesn't?
Her navel.

Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.

Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women?
He died laughing before he could tell anybody.

What's the difference between a woman with PMS and a pitbull?
Lipstick.

What's a wife?
An attachment you screw on the bed to get the housework done.

Why do women have tits?
So men will talk to them.

Why do women close their eyes during sex?
They can't stand seeing a man have a good time.

What's six inches long and two inches wide and drives women wild?
Money.

What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?
You can unscrew a light bulb.

Why do women have periods?
They deserve them.

Why did God make man first?
He didn't want a woman looking over his shoulder.

If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag you, what have you done wrong?
Made her chain too long.

Why was the woman crossing the road?
Who cares! What's she doing out of the kitchen?

How many women does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they just sit there in the dark and bitch.

What's the difference between your wife and your job?
After 5 years your job will still suck.

Why can't you trust woman?
How can you trust something that bleeds for five days and doesn't die.

Q:What do you call an anorexic with a yeast infection?

A:A quater-pounder with cheese.


Q: What is in between an 80-year-old woman's breast

A: Her belly-button

This guy died with an erection. It was to big for the mortician to put him
in a coffin, so the wife told the mortician to cut it off and shove it up
his ass. The next day at the funeral the wife saw a tear in her dead
husband's eye. She bent over and said, "I told you it hurts you fucking
bastard."

Q: why do women parachutists wear tampons?

A: so's they don't whistle on the way down.

Similiarity between a woman and a computer!
Both can accept a 3.5 inch floppy


TOP TEN THINGS WOMEN WOULD DO IF THEY WOKE UP AND HAD A PENIS FOR A DAY..

10. Get ahead faster in corporate America.

9. Get a blow job.

8. Find out what is so fascinating about beating the meat.

7. Pee standing up while talking to other men at a urinal.

6. Determine WHY you can't hit the bowl consistently.

5. Find out what it's like to be on the other end of a surging orgasm.

4. Touch yourself in public without thought as to how improper it may seem.

3. Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if it feels as funny as it looks.

2. Understand the scientific reason for the light refraction which occurs between a man's eyes and the ruler situated next to his member which causes two inches to be added to the final measurement.

1. Repeat number 9......
_________________________
My New site OpenEyes

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#22228 - 12/13/03 11:33 AM Re: Sexist jokes
§intå× Offline


*****

Registered: 12/03/02
Posts: 3255
Loc: Maryland
And.....


To the ladies from the men


> >> >> Learn to work the toilet seat. If it's up, put it
> >> >> down. We need it up, you need it down. You
> >> >> don't hear us bitching about you leaving it down.
> >> >>
> >> >> ALL men see in only 16 colors. Peach is a
> >> >> fruit, not a color.
> >> >>
> >> >> If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret
> >> >> girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
> >> >>
> >> >> If you think you're fat, you probably are.
> >> >> Don't ask us. We refuse to answer.
> >> >>
> >> >> Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always
> >> >> more attractive than short hair.
> >> >>
> >> >> One of the big reasons guys fear getting
> >> >> married is that married women always cut their hair, and
> >> >> by then you're stuck with her.
> >> >>
> >> >> Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are
> >> >> not quests to see if we can find the perfect
> >> >> present yet again!
> >> >>
> >> >> If you ask a question you don't want an answer
> >> >> to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
> >> >>
> >> >> Sometimes, we're not thinking about you. Live with it.
> >> >>
> >> >> Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless
> >> >> you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint,
> >> >> the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.
> >> >>
> >> >> Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the
> >> >> changing of the tides. Let it be.
> >> >>
> >> >> Shopping is not a sport, and no, we're never
> >> >> going to think of it that way.
> >> >>
> >> >> When we have to go somewhere, absolutely
> >> >> anything you wear is fine. Really.
> >> >>
> >> >> You have enough clothes. You have too many shoes.
> >> >>
> >> >> Crying is blackmail.
> >> >>
> >> >> Ask for what you want. Let's be clear on this
> >> >> one:
> >> >>
> >> >> Subtle hints don't work.
> >> >> Strong hints don't work.
> >> >> Really obvious hints don't work.
> >> >> Just say it!
> >> >>
> >> >> No, we don't know what day it is. We never
> >> >> will. Mark anniversaries on the calendar.
> >> >>
> >> >> Peeing standing up is more difficult. We're
> >> >> bound to miss sometimes.
> >> >>
> >> >> Most guys own three pairs of shoes. What makes
> >> >> you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair,
> >> >> out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
> >> >>
> >> >> Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to
> >> >> almost every question.
> >> >>
> >> >> Come to us with a problem only if you want help
> >> >> solving it. That's what we do.
> >> >>
> >> >> Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
> >> >>
> >> >> A headache that lasts for 17 months is a
> >> >> problem. See a doctor.
> >> >>
> >> >> Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
> >> >> (Unless it's Bruce Lee or some war flick where it
> >> >> doesn't really matter what the #### they're saying
> >> >> anyway.
> >> >>
> >> >> Check your oil.
> >> >>
> >> >> It is neither in your best interest nor ours to
> >> >> take the quiz together. No, it doesn't matter which
> >> >> quiz.
> >> >>
> >> >> Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible
> >> >> in an argument.
> >> >>
> >> >> All comments become null and void after 7 days.
> >> >>
> >> >> If something we said can be interpreted two
> >> >> ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we
> >> >> meant the other one.
> >> >>
> >> >> Let us ogle. We're going to look anyway; it's genetic.
> >> >>
> >> >> You can either tell us to do something OR tell
> >> >> us how to do something, but not both.
> >> >>
> >> >> Whenever possible, please say whatever you have
> >> >> to say during commercials.
> >> >>
> >> >> If it itches, it will be scratched.
> >> >>
> >> >> Beer is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.
> >> >>
> >> >> If we ask what's wrong and you say "nothing",
> >> >> we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you're
> >> >> lying, but it's just not worth the hassle.
> >> >>
> >> >> Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have
> >> >> to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know we
> >> >> really don't mind that, it's like camping!
_________________________
My New site OpenEyes

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#22229 - 12/18/03 10:13 AM Re: Sexist jokes
fleshwound Offline
Member

Registered: 03/10/02
Posts: 536
Loc: CO
haha.. i like your list of things to the ladies. very nice
_________________________
"when you look around, you can't tell me honestly you're happy with what you see"

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#22230 - 12/18/03 11:29 AM Re: Sexist jokes
unreal Offline



Registered: 03/01/02
Posts: 860
Loc: KCRQ
What's the useless piece of flesh around the vagina called? The woman. :p

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#22231 - 12/26/03 10:16 PM Re: Sexist jokes
Machievelli Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 12/24/03
Posts: 9
Loc: New Jersey
lol...

Why did god make man first?
Every masterpiece needs a rough draft.

If a man says something in the middle of the forest with no one around to hear him, is he still wrong?
_________________________
When the well is dry, we know the worth of water

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#22232 - 12/27/03 01:18 AM Re: Sexist jokes
Gollum Offline
Member

Registered: 06/05/02
Posts: 207
Loc: US
Quote:
Why did god make man first?
Every masterpiece needs a rough draft.
The original is ALWAYS better than the sequel.//
_________________________
Unbodied unsouled unheard unseen
Let the gift be grown in the time to call our own
Truth is natural like a wind that blows
Follow the direction no matter where it goes
Let the truth blow like a hurricane through me

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#22233 - 12/27/03 01:59 AM Re: Sexist jokes
shelli Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 12/18/03
Posts: 60
Loc: mars
im lmao!!!!!!thank you.

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#22234 - 12/28/03 12:57 AM Re: Sexist jokes
Killswitch_J Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 12/22/03
Posts: 80
Loc: everywhere
Shelli, I sent you a PM, check it out ok?
_________________________
You have to be a little crazy to keep from going insane!

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#22235 - 01/08/04 05:15 PM Re: Sexist jokes
boca Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 01/07/04
Posts: 5
what does a women in a living room? turism

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#22236 - 01/08/04 05:22 PM Re: Sexist jokes
boca Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 01/07/04
Posts: 5
in portuguese:
o que faz uma mulher numa sala de estar?
turismo!

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#22237 - 01/08/04 07:23 PM Re: Sexist jokes
Girlie Offline
UGN Super Poster
***

Registered: 01/02/04
Posts: 908
Loc: In your dad's bed...
...And to the men...
25. The Rosie O'Donnell Show is approximately one hour long. Depending on the time of day it comes on where you live, this would be the perfect time to mow the lawn, weed the garden, tinker with the car, or any of the 20 other things we have to constantly remind you to do.
24. A Barbecue outside on the patio does not constitute a fine dinner out. (Citronella Candles do NOT set a romantic mood, either)
23. Dress to impress once in awhile. You never know, you may actually like all the other women ogling you from afar.
22. Go on, admit it. You secretly like us calling you at work.
21. Shorts and black socks with sandals is NOT sexy.
20. While we all should be in the spirit of recycling, shouldn't you give up wearing the "ripped to shreads" underwear, even if all the holes are worn just so?
19. We already know what you are thinking. Sometimes we just need clarification.
18. Don't complain about OUR vast array of shoes, and we won't pick on you about YOUR vast collection of "sneakers for every occasion".
17. Things you can help with scrubbing the bathroom, fixing things that don't need to be fixed, holding the instruction manuals while we put the new things together, and lighting a fire.
16. Shopping IS a spectator sport, and you are the lucky spectator. Accept this harsh reality, as will we when the roles reverse, say, at the local sporting goods store.
15. While the lingerie with strategic openings appeals to you, most of the time we pray the store will exchange it for something more comfortable when you're not looking.
14. How is it that men seem to lose their way to the laundry room after marriage? We know you did it before you married us, we've seen the pink underwear.
13. Sports Center comes on roughly every six hours. Plus they have continuous updates during every hour. If you miss something due to us talking to you, chances are you'll hear all about it in another 15 or so minutes, so relax.
12. We appreciate your input on most issues, but our Soap Operas aren't one of them. We already know she's the evil one, and he's screwing around. A recap complete with intervals of "I can't believe you're making me watch this" are unnecessary.
11. We know you watch Baywatch for the fine acting skills of the actors and actresses.
10. Even though you think Pamela Anderson is a babe, don't expect us to agree.
9. Women have a better sense of direction than men. Accept it.
8. When lost, getting out and asking for directions is okay. Driving around aimlessly and swearing is not.
7. Cut us some slack when we ask you questions about how sports are played and the rules. Help us understand these games better. Consider it your civic duty.
6. Beer burps are not considered a second language, even if you CAN burp the alphabet.
5. Towels dry faster when they are hung up on the towel rod, not crumpled on the floor.
4. Take time to smell the flowers. Then bring some home to remind us how much you care.
3. Psst... We're only lending you the remote... If you have kids, you know who really owns that T.V.
2. We really are the sex crazed maniacs you fell in love with. Just reset your clock to our female standard time, and you'll see what I mean.
1. Finally, don't show us where the oil goes, or the washer fluid, or even how to fix a car. This is one of the many reasons we married you.
_________________________
boys lie.

<sintax>
No we do not!!!!
</sintax>

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#22238 - 01/08/04 07:25 PM Re: Sexist jokes
Girlie Offline
UGN Super Poster
***

Registered: 01/02/04
Posts: 908
Loc: In your dad's bed...
Why Cookie Dough Is Better Than A Man

It's enjoyable soft or hard.

It makes a mess too, but it tastes better.

It doesn't mind if you take your anger out on it.

You always want to swallow.

It won't complain if you share it with your friends.

It's quick and convenient.

You can enjoy it more than once.

It comes already protectively wrapped.

You can make it as large as you want.

If you don't finish it you can save it for later.

It's easier to get the kind you want.

You can comparison shop.

It's easier to find in a grocery store.

You can put it away when you've had enough.

You know yours has never been eaten before.

It won't complain if you chew on it.

It comes chocolate flavored.

You always know when to get rid of it.

You can return it---satisfaction guaranteed.

It's always ready to go.

You won't get arrested if you eat it in public.

You don't have to change the sheets if you eat it in bed.

It won't wake you up because it's hard.

You don't have to find an excuse not to eat it.

You can tell your friends how much you've eaten without sounding like you're
bragging.

It won't take up room in your bed.

It's easy to pick up.

You never have unwanted cookie dough chasing you around.

You know what the extra weight is from.

It won't get jealous if you pick up another one.

It never has an insecurity problem with its size.

It is very pliable.
_________________________
boys lie.

<sintax>
No we do not!!!!
</sintax>

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#22239 - 01/08/04 07:26 PM Re: Sexist jokes
Girlie Offline
UGN Super Poster
***

Registered: 01/02/04
Posts: 908
Loc: In your dad's bed...
...and one more for good measure....

Whatsamatta University's Seminars For Men Fall Catalogue

Once again, the female staff at Whatsamatta University will be offering
courses for men of all marital status in an attempt to help males and
females understand each other better. Attendance in at least 10 of the
following is required.

1. Combatting Stupidity
2. You Too Can Do Housework
3. PMS - Learn When To Keep Your Mouth Shut
4. How To Properly Fill An Ice Tray
5. We Do Not Want Sleazy Underwear For Christmas (Just Give Us
Credit Cards)
6. Understanding The Female Response To Coming Home Drunk At 4:00am
7. Wonderful Laundry Techniques (formerly called "Don't Wash My
Silks")
8. Parenting Roles Beyond Initial Conception
9. Get A Life - Learn To Cook
10. How Not To Act Like An Asshole When You Are Obviously Wrong
11. Spelling - Even You Can Get It Right
12. Understanding Your Financial Incompetence
13. You, The Weaker Sex
14. Reasons To Give Flowers
15. How To Stay Awake After Sex
16. Why It Is Unacceptable To Relieve Yourself Anywhere Except In The
Bathroom
17. Garbage - Getting It To The Curb
18. A. You Really Can Fall Asleep Without Doing It, If You Really Try
B. The Morning Dilemma - If It's Awake In The Morning, Take A Cold
Shower
19. You Cannot Always Wear Whatever You Damn Well Please
20. How To Put Down A Toilet Seat (formerly called "No It's Not A
Bidet")
21. Give Me A Break - Why We Know Your Excuses Are Often Bullshit
22. How To Go Shopping With Your Mate Without Getting Lost
23. The Remote Control - Overcoming Your Dependency
24. Romanticism - Other Ideas Beyond Sex
25. Helpful Posture Hints For Couch Potatoes
26. Mother-in-Laws Are People Too
27. The Weekend And Sports Are Not Synonymous
28. How Not To Act Younger Than Your Children
29. You Too Can Be A Designated Driver
30. Male Bonding: Leave Your Friends At Home
31. You Don't Look Like Mel Gibson, Especially When Naked
32. Changing Your Underwear - It Really Works!
33. Attainable Goal - Omitting Foul Expletives From Your Vocabulary
34. Fluffing The Blankets After Farting Is Not Necessary
35. You Don't Really Need That Porsche After Thinning Hair And Mid-Life
Crisis
36. How To Tolerate Bras And Pantyhose Hanging In The Bathroom
_________________________
boys lie.

<sintax>
No we do not!!!!
</sintax>

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#22240 - 01/08/04 08:19 PM Re: Sexist jokes
unreal Offline



Registered: 03/01/02
Posts: 860
Loc: KCRQ
Quote:
1. Finally, don't show us where the oil goes, or the washer fluid, or even how to fix a car. This is one of the many reasons we married you.
Fine, but if you call my ass up cuz you have a problem while I'm on the road, I'm not helping.

Quote:
18. A. You Really Can Fall Asleep Without Doing It, If You Really Try
WRONG. :x

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#22241 - 01/10/04 01:34 AM Re: Sexist jokes
$500,000 Bentley Offline
Member

Registered: 06/20/02
Posts: 259
Loc: SXM
sorry, but it makes my blood boil when chicks start complainin bout the toilet seat etc
we have to put it up, u can put it down, u want us to "fix the car mow the lawn an a million other things" but u bitch about cookin an washing
wat the fuck is up with that?its facism not feminism
_________________________
If your not living life on the edge, your taking up to much room

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