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#29052 - 12/07/03 05:21 AM Every girl you date is someones daughter
§intå× Offline


*****

Registered: 12/03/02
Posts: 3255
Loc: Maryland
Having been a father of a very cute young girl now I would like to share the following with you guys looking to score on some poor girl. You just might run into someone like me who dosen't find this funny but finds it to be a way of life.

For all of you who would like to date "Daddy's Little Girl"

Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering
a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at
her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot
keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your
age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off
their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your
friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded
about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door
with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will
not object. However, In order to ensure that your clothes do not, in
fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will
take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to
your waist.

Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without
utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me
elaborate: when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five: In order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about
sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this.
The only information I require from you is an indication of when you
expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I
need from you on this subject is "early."

Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many
opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is
okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little
girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with
you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to
appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you
want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter
is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting
the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do
something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my
daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a
wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns
within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is
dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient
temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank
tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a
goose down parka zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic
or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chainsaws are
okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a pot-bellied, balding,
middle-aged, dim-witted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter,
I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where
you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth,
the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel,
and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten: Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to
mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in
over a rice paddy outside of Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting
up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait
for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway
you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the
perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my
daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no
need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.
_________________________
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#29053 - 12/07/03 05:34 AM Re: Every girl you date is someones daughter
Gremelin Online   shocked

Community Owner
*****

Registered: 02/28/02
Posts: 7193
Loc: Portland, OR; USA
I love that one! the only spam message i've ever gotten that's put a smile on my face :x..
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#29054 - 12/07/03 05:59 AM Re: Every girl you date is someones daughter
Ghost Offline


Registered: 06/16/03
Posts: 807
Loc: Wisconsin
holy shit. i could hardly breath i was laughing so hard when i read that.
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#29055 - 12/07/03 08:26 PM Re: Every girl you date is someones daughter
Disgruntled Offline
Member

Registered: 11/07/03
Posts: 181
Loc: Limbo
I don't have any children, But I couldn't agree with you more.
_________________________
No matter how complex a lock may be. Someone will always find a key.

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#29056 - 12/07/03 09:33 PM Re: Every girl you date is someones daughter
IceMyst Offline
UGN Elite Poster

Registered: 10/22/03
Posts: 1449
Loc: Where ever Gizmo is
i think giz and i are going to have to use that one...
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*Hell hath no fury like a womens anger and damn be the fool who gets in her way*

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#29057 - 12/08/03 05:56 PM Re: Every girl you date is someones daughter
Shinobi Offline
UGN Member

Registered: 09/25/02
Posts: 390
Loc: Asheville, NC
Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to
appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you
want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter
is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting
the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do
something useful, like changing the oil in my car?


BAH HAHAHAHAH! SIN I hate you, I'm sick and you have me cracking up, I also agree with you if I had a daughter I would be the same way, but I had a son so the only worry is him meeting a girl with a dad like you.
_________________________
"The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources."
-Albert Einstein

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#29058 - 12/09/03 12:08 AM Re: Every girl you date is someones daughter
unreal Offline



Registered: 03/01/02
Posts: 860
Loc: KCRQ
That applies to big brothers too... If any one of you so much as LOOKS at my sisters...

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#29059 - 12/09/03 12:20 AM Re: Every girl you date is someones daughter
Gremelin Online   shocked

Community Owner
*****

Registered: 02/28/02
Posts: 7193
Loc: Portland, OR; USA
But unreal, what about that one time I came to visit and i hooked it with your mom... Your sister came in and got a piece too...
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#29060 - 12/09/03 04:28 PM Re: Every girl you date is someones daughter
§intå× Offline


*****

Registered: 12/03/02
Posts: 3255
Loc: Maryland
IF you are raising a boy you have 1 dick to worry about. Rasing a girl you have a world of dicks to worry about...
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#29061 - 12/09/03 04:39 PM Re: Every girl you date is someones daughter
fleshwound Offline
Member

Registered: 03/10/02
Posts: 536
Loc: CO
oh god... i'm going to have print that one off for my dad.. he'll love it.


and also.. my brother and his wife are getting to the point where they are ready for children. if he has a daughter, he'll be the exact same way.
_________________________
"when you look around, you can't tell me honestly you're happy with what you see"

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#29062 - 12/09/03 11:04 PM Re: Every girl you date is someones daughter
Disgruntled Offline
Member

Registered: 11/07/03
Posts: 181
Loc: Limbo
That was a good one Sin! No truer words were ever spoken.
_________________________
No matter how complex a lock may be. Someone will always find a key.

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#29063 - 12/10/03 11:07 PM Re: Every girl you date is someones daughter
Vechen Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 12/06/03
Posts: 36
Nice. I'll have to remember that shit when I'm able to drive. But I would be too scared to drive because of fathers like you.
_________________________
kthxbai

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#29064 - 12/10/03 11:13 PM Re: Every girl you date is someones daughter
fleshwound Offline
Member

Registered: 03/10/02
Posts: 536
Loc: CO
yeah my parents loved it. they laughed their asses off.
_________________________
"when you look around, you can't tell me honestly you're happy with what you see"

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#29065 - 12/11/03 04:27 AM Re: Every girl you date is someones daughter
jonconley Offline
UGN Super Poster

Registered: 10/08/02
Posts: 955
Loc: Merrill, IA, USA
/me bows to rule 10

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#29066 - 12/11/03 05:28 PM Re: Every girl you date is someones daughter
LaptopBoy Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 12/10/03
Posts: 19
Loc: Scotland
I like that lol very true as well
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