Funny letter from husband to wife

Posted by: §intå×

Funny letter from husband to wife - 10/20/05 03:48 PM

To my wife:

We have two small kids. You constantly complain (albeit jokingly to everyone that will listen) that I don't lift a finger to help you around the house. I emphatically disagree, and I'm hurt that you don't notice or appreciate what I do to make your life easier.

I work a full time job while you stay home (yeah, I know, that's a full time job too and I appreciate that so shut your yapper and let me finish my point). When I come home after working 8 stressful hours for an asshole boss and then sitting in traffic for another hour with nothing to listen to on the radio but the same Black Eyed Peas song played over and over again on every goddamn station, I appreciate that you've taken care of the kids all day, so I really do make a conscious effort to let you rest.

I clear the dinner table. I wash the dishes. I get the kids ready for bed. I brush their teeth and I tuck them in. When they need something, I get up to help them. I put out the trash. I put out the recyclables. I fold the laundry when it needs to be done - I'd even do a few loads if you'd ask me to. I pick up the kids toys and put them away. I sweep up my toenail clippings. I make sure that when I shave, I don't leave little hairs all around the sink. I keep the shower curtain inside the tub when I shower to help keep the bathroom clean. I sit down to pee so the seat is always down, there are never any pubes on the rim and no pee drips on the floor. I replace the toilet paper when it runs out. I go to the supermarket when asked to buy your tampons. I mow the lawn. I clean out the fireplace. I rake the leaves. I put away the clean dishes from the dishwasher. I sweep the street. I give the kids baths. I shovel the snow. I replace the paper towels in the kitchen when they run out. I clean the garage. I make the beds when I first notice they are not done yet. I lift the couches for you when you vacuum. I give you backrubs at your request. I always make sure there is gas in the cars. I clean out the gutters. I put away my clean laundry. I sweep the patio. I replace the sponge in the kitchen when it starts to smell. I get the seasonal clothes down from the attic. I trim the hedges. In the summer, I don't mind heating up leftover pasta because you and the kids are still at the beach with the other moms and kids after I've worked all day and you've ordered a pizza to eat at the beach for yourselves. I help the kids with their home work. I read to them. I set the clock on the VCR. I make sure that after I wack off in the shower I wash it down the drain. I put out the kids cereal for them the night before so you don't have to get up and get them breakfast in the morning. I load the film in the camera because you can't figure it out. I rub your feet when you ask me to. I change the battery in the smoke alarm. I program all the channels on all the tv's. I get the plunger when your hairy dump has clogged the toilet. When I blow my nose in the shower, I make sure no snot gets on the curtain. I take off my shoes when I come in the house to keep the floors clean. I clean out the expired items from the fridge. I make mixed music cds for you. I do all the required heavy lifting.

I make every effort a guy could make to not subject you to living in the kind of filth a man's natural instincts would allow us to live in. And yet, your perception is that I do nothing. Then you treat me like you're doing me a favor after I have to beg for sex (I won't even mention that I haven't had a blowjob in about ten years)...and I still continue to show you affection, pay you compliments and tell you "I love you" (I haven't heard that phrase from you without the word "too" at the end of it in many, many years)

I just wanted to take this time to say thank you for appreciating me, and Merry fucking Christmas.

Love,
Your husband.
Posted by: Gremelin

Re: Funny letter from husband to wife - 10/21/05 02:23 AM

SWEET
Posted by: Artic Warrior

Re: Funny letter from husband to wife - 10/21/05 03:58 AM

She will probably explode from anger before she finishes, but I like it.
Posted by: Shinobi

Re: Funny letter from husband to wife - 10/24/05 12:52 AM

nice
Posted by: Girlie

Re: Funny letter from husband to wife - 10/24/05 06:44 PM

now if I could find a man who actually DID all of those things I'd be happy.
Posted by: Artic Warrior

Re: Funny letter from husband to wife - 10/25/05 12:34 AM

yeah thats alot of things sintax, do you really get around to doing all of them. Cause I dont think I could. But then again Im not married with children but if thats a sign of things to come all the more reason to enjoy the single life.
Posted by: §intå×

Re: Funny letter from husband to wife - 10/25/05 03:20 AM

This is not my letter. I fond it funny and decided to share. I do most of this. I do not sit to piss unless I feel lazy or am drunk. I do not jack off in the shower.

I do,

Make dinner
Do the dishes
Fix computer issues(no shit right)
vacume
Make beds
Get my daughter dressed
clean/dust
take out the trash
Do some shoping
Pick the kid up from daycare(split with wife)
Comute 1 hrs (was 5 years of 2 hrs) each way to work in grid lock traffic listening to the same songs over and over
Read to my daughter nightly(Girlie can confirm that)
Get my daughter to brush her teeth and her hair
Used to rake the leaves (no yard now)
No garage
I do put away the dishes if done
I do blow my nose in the shower and yes make sure it goes down the drain
I do all heavy lifting...


Man the list goes on. The wife and I often share some chores lised, but when you get married... Its kinda like most of it needs to get done. Now you can make your wife do it all, but after a while the bitching and nagging gets too much to take that you ather just do the fucking work.

Then you get more than your fair share. She gets her payback time. After a few years of the pecking order game it kind of balances out a little. But yea, men get the short end of the stick.

We are expected to

1.) Provide most of the house income(work all day)
2.) "Share equally the house hold chorse" after work mind you
3.) after a shity day at work sit and listen to todays fucking tragedy in her life and act like you give a shit about who said what to who
4.) Do all the outside work(not included in "equal" division of chores)
5.) deal with a drop in sex you have not face since before puberty
6.) deal with being alienated from your friends because they "are not on your level anymore"
7.) fix the cars(not included in "equal" division of chores)
8.) Be a good father and not be stressed out about anything in front of the children
9.) Deal with whining and crying 24/7 Oh the kids might wine and cry too
10.) Fight daily to save 1 spot in the house to set your shit. one god damned table that isn't foo fooed out with flowers and nick nacks and shit. One spot to put your keys wallet and suicide note

But yea. Enjoy single life, american women are spoiled bitches that change as soon as the ring goes on. Once married with kids, forget it. you have minimum 18 years dealing with someone who says they love you and talk shit about you to every person who will listen. They say they love you but only seem to bitch at you or remind you of what you want but can't do because "You are now married"
Posted by: Girlie

Re: Funny letter from husband to wife - 10/25/05 09:23 AM

do not generalize sintax. not all american women are spoiled bitches that change as soon as the ring goes on. I will go into more detail when I return from busting my ass at work even though I have been puking since yesterday. off I go.
Posted by: Infinite

Re: Funny letter from husband to wife - 10/25/05 09:27 AM

I thought we agreed that you two would take it to a PM. Don't make me close this topic... Don't think I won't :p
Posted by: Girlie

Re: Funny letter from husband to wife - 10/25/05 09:30 AM

we are having a discussion...I was going to add a woman's point of view. We are not allowed to talk to eachother? close the fuckin topic then. whatever makes you feel better infi.
Posted by: Infinite

Re: Funny letter from husband to wife - 10/25/05 09:42 AM

Holy attitude... Take a joke eh.
Posted by: §intå×

Re: Funny letter from husband to wife - 10/25/05 12:01 PM

Bah, what do I know. Your sweet heart isn't like this. It's just me bitching to bitch. American women are great the world is peachy.
Posted by: Artic Warrior

Re: Funny letter from husband to wife - 10/25/05 12:09 PM

There has to be some upside to getting married and having children right. You must enjoy it. Why is it that we only ever hear about the bad bits, cause this makes it sound like hell! Or is it cause the bad bits are interesting.
Sintax, there has to be something good out of this type of commitment????
Posted by: §intå×

Re: Funny letter from husband to wife - 10/25/05 03:50 PM

It is nice to have someone to talk to. Kids are nice.

Sex drops off, fun drops off, personality drops off... Yea.
Posted by: IceMyst

Re: Funny letter from husband to wife - 10/25/05 05:03 PM

I love having a kid. A pic of my son on my badge holder is one of the few things that gets me thru work each day i go. and marriage isnt so bad. it has it's ups and downs but what do you expect when you know you're stuck with that person for as long as that ring is on...

Ask Giz, our marriage isnt perfect and half the time we just want to kill one another but since i started working again that's gotten a lot better. i love the bastard and he makes me happy, which isnt an easy feet. i know when i get home each night i have someone to bitch to about my suck ass day at work and then i can hear him tell me when cute things our son did. little things like that make it worth it, at least to me. just being able to turn my head and see him holding our son makes all the bad moments worth it. granted there will be more fights but what couple doesnt fight at some point?
Posted by: §intå×

Re: Funny letter from husband to wife - 10/25/05 05:09 PM

YOUR A LIAR!!!
Posted by: Gremelin

Re: Funny letter from husband to wife - 10/25/05 07:25 PM

Heh yeh, now that I don't have to see her 24/7 I'm fine with her :x...
Posted by: Artic Warrior

Re: Funny letter from husband to wife - 10/25/05 07:58 PM

LMAO your so dead giz!
Anyway Im going to a concert (The Used). Have like a 6hr drive to get to and major city, in this case Melbourne.
Byeeee
Posted by: jonconley

Re: Funny letter from husband to wife - 10/29/05 02:38 AM

the used. you suck. im jealous. their show. great live. he screams. til end. then pukes.
Posted by: Gremelin

Re: Funny letter from husband to wife - 10/29/05 06:19 AM

uNF
Posted by: Artic Warrior

Re: Funny letter from husband to wife - 10/30/05 10:09 PM

Quote:
Originally posted by Gizmo:
uNF
wats that mean?

The concert was great, everyone always looks so cool (like some are really creepy and some guys look so emo but then you have the really cool ones). Ive fallen inlove with all thier songs again. I was like a metre away from Quinn (there was a window between us) and I gave him the rock on sign and he waved and smiled back form inside his bus which didnt even stop after the concert were some groupies and fans had gathered. I was one of the only ones to get thier attention cause oh long story but in the end we stopped the bus in the middle of like a major road.
So cool! (and he doesnt puke anymore)
Posted by: pergesu

Re: Funny letter from husband to wife - 10/31/05 05:59 AM

Quote:
According to Wikipedia:
unf, an onomatopoeia for sexual intercourse, possibly an acronym for Universal Noise of Fucking
Also I heard a great analogy for marriage. 50% of American marriages end in divorce...so this comedian was like, "Yeah what if you went skydiving and they said 'Its fun but about half the time the parachute doesnt open.'" It's totally like that man. Half the time the bitch cleans you out and takes "half" of your assets (which works out to be like 75% or so...because apparently a non-working woman is more fit to take care of the kids than the guy who busts his ass 8 hours a day over the course of their 18 years). The other half of the time you're locked in a monogymous relationship (which often only applies to you..if you cheat on her, you're a dirtbag. If she cheats on you, it's because you didn't fulfill her emotional needs and she had no choice in the matter). Maybe like .5% of the time you're married (so 1% of the time you don't get divorced) it doesn't make your life a living hell and actually makes it better.

I'm biased, I realize this. My dad consistently works 60 hours a week, and at the beginning of his career 80 hour weeks were down weeks for him. My mom gambled away their entire life's savings, cheated with multiple men, and then managed to get 3/4 of all his future earnings because she got custody of my brother and I, as well as the fact that she supported his career.

Marriage in America is fucking horrible, and on the off chance I do shack up, there's going to be a 2000 page long prenup.
Posted by: Gremelin

Re: Funny letter from husband to wife - 10/31/05 06:37 AM

If a man doesn't satisfy a woman it's his fault; if a woman can't satisfy a man he needs to go to the hospetal and get pills.
Posted by: Artic Warrior

Re: Funny letter from husband to wife - 11/01/05 10:27 AM

I wonder what the divorce rate is in Australia. We seem to be chasing you guys on all that is bad so I wouldnt be suprised if its like 50% here too. So far getting married sounds like after a first year of happy and romantic type lifestyle full of love and bla bla bla ends with an eternity of displeasurable life with the women you love. But I guess when you fall in love you carnt stop it. Im sure if you fell in love with the non-existant persona/sex the parachute gave you, you might consider taking that skydive.
Posted by: §intå×

Re: Funny letter from husband to wife - 11/01/05 12:03 PM

I was at a kids b-day party. I steped outside to have a smoke and caught part of a conversation between mother and daughter. THis is what I heard


Daughter - I think I will wear my pink dress, he like that one. Oh and I have to shave. He loves it when I save.

Mom - Do you shave the goods for him?

Daughter - Yep, every other day. He likes it clean. Trying to get that ring you know.

Mom - Oh I know, I remember

Daughter - Once I get that ring, forget it. He better like it hairy and know how to cook too.

Mom - lol

Daughter - I just want his money, the sex aint bad, but the shopping is better.

Me - Cunt bitches...

them - look at me

Me - Oh I'm sorry, I meant evil nasty cut bitches. Excuse me.

/me went back inside hoping that is not the majority.
Posted by: IceMyst

Re: Funny letter from husband to wife - 11/01/05 02:40 PM

god damn! i feel real bad for the guy who puts a ring on her finger...