To my wife:

We have two small kids. You constantly complain (albeit jokingly to everyone that will listen) that I don't lift a finger to help you around the house. I emphatically disagree, and I'm hurt that you don't notice or appreciate what I do to make your life easier.

I work a full time job while you stay home (yeah, I know, that's a full time job too and I appreciate that so shut your yapper and let me finish my point). When I come home after working 8 stressful hours for an asshole boss and then sitting in traffic for another hour with nothing to listen to on the radio but the same Black Eyed Peas song played over and over again on every goddamn station, I appreciate that you've taken care of the kids all day, so I really do make a conscious effort to let you rest.

I clear the dinner table. I wash the dishes. I get the kids ready for bed. I brush their teeth and I tuck them in. When they need something, I get up to help them. I put out the trash. I put out the recyclables. I fold the laundry when it needs to be done - I'd even do a few loads if you'd ask me to. I pick up the kids toys and put them away. I sweep up my toenail clippings. I make sure that when I shave, I don't leave little hairs all around the sink. I keep the shower curtain inside the tub when I shower to help keep the bathroom clean. I sit down to pee so the seat is always down, there are never any pubes on the rim and no pee drips on the floor. I replace the toilet paper when it runs out. I go to the supermarket when asked to buy your tampons. I mow the lawn. I clean out the fireplace. I rake the leaves. I put away the clean dishes from the dishwasher. I sweep the street. I give the kids baths. I shovel the snow. I replace the paper towels in the kitchen when they run out. I clean the garage. I make the beds when I first notice they are not done yet. I lift the couches for you when you vacuum. I give you backrubs at your request. I always make sure there is gas in the cars. I clean out the gutters. I put away my clean laundry. I sweep the patio. I replace the sponge in the kitchen when it starts to smell. I get the seasonal clothes down from the attic. I trim the hedges. In the summer, I don't mind heating up leftover pasta because you and the kids are still at the beach with the other moms and kids after I've worked all day and you've ordered a pizza to eat at the beach for yourselves. I help the kids with their home work. I read to them. I set the clock on the VCR. I make sure that after I wack off in the shower I wash it down the drain. I put out the kids cereal for them the night before so you don't have to get up and get them breakfast in the morning. I load the film in the camera because you can't figure it out. I rub your feet when you ask me to. I change the battery in the smoke alarm. I program all the channels on all the tv's. I get the plunger when your hairy dump has clogged the toilet. When I blow my nose in the shower, I make sure no snot gets on the curtain. I take off my shoes when I come in the house to keep the floors clean. I clean out the expired items from the fridge. I make mixed music cds for you. I do all the required heavy lifting.

I make every effort a guy could make to not subject you to living in the kind of filth a man's natural instincts would allow us to live in. And yet, your perception is that I do nothing. Then you treat me like you're doing me a favor after I have to beg for sex (I won't even mention that I haven't had a blowjob in about ten years)...and I still continue to show you affection, pay you compliments and tell you "I love you" (I haven't heard that phrase from you without the word "too" at the end of it in many, many years)

I just wanted to take this time to say thank you for appreciating me, and Merry fucking Christmas.

Love,
Your husband.
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