My name, as I choose it for the moment, is drake. And it has been a long time since I posted here. but throughout out the the webs of communication that mankind has created, I’ve found this sight to be one of insight and acceptance rather than one of intolerance and although it might not be the best place to post these thoughts, it was the only place I could consider to do so.
The darkness is winning in my soul. In humanity itself. The yin is overtaking the yang. I don't want it to, but it is. I can bleed, and I can live, and no one will know the difference. This is not a suicide note, I do not plan on killing myself so let not that be an assumption, but a promise. Suicide is an empty way out of a complicated problem and the only reason I even deign to dignify that selfish concept is to assure you that I am not one of those lost to think that life is worthless. I am a character of loneliness and self-doubt hidden behind a facade of self-confident playboyness. My pain is more than I like but less than I thought it would be. I want to be Galahad. I want to be the perfect knight. I want to be impervious to sin but I cannot. I am a man. Flawed in all the ways we are. My mind is a sand castle built on the shores of a tempest, destroyed and rebuilt, again and again, only to be destroyed in the end. I live because I am supposed to, not because of a purpose. An action would be required to end life and an action is required to continue life. I choose the action to continue in the vain hope that my life will someday find a purpose.
I do not know the purpose of what I write except that I cannot and will not reveal this to my comrades of Real World for they would ridicule me and not understand that my outside lifestyle does not reflect inner anguish. I know there are others out there with bar napkins full of their thoughts discarded into a second drawer of an unused desk and the doodles of mind that was never meant to be sidled against the notes of profession or academia but are somehow so much more important than the supposed primary purpose of the open paper in front of them.
If you need to flame me to declare your superiority over me so be it, I will not care. I will ignore all advances of aggressiveness and while I believe deeply that no person has an solution, there may be somebody out there that has an answer. Never mistake the vast gap between an answer and a solution. Gizmo, in the long-ago past, answered the few questions I dared put forth although they were of much more an earthly nature than the conundrum I put forth now.
If an answer you cannot conceive, and as I said I do not expect one, I hope that the ramblings of a lost mind have made you look inward for at least a second. If there is an answer of depth or an answer that can spur thought among our fellow colleagues of mankind, i would highly appreciate hearing from you. i would like to close with the thought that I do not try to assume or pose that I am in someway enlightened above others. I merely wish to release what has been a singular thought to myself to the masses. With the kindest and best of hopes,
The lover of inquiry must follow his beloved wherever it may lead him.