| Joined: Dec 2002 Posts: 3,255 Likes: 3 UGN Elite | OP UGN Elite Joined: Dec 2002 Posts: 3,255 Likes: 3 | Having been a father of a very cute young girl now I would like to share the following with you guys looking to score on some poor girl. You just might run into someone like me who dosen't find this funny but finds it to be a way of life.
For all of you who would like to date "Daddy's Little Girl" Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up. Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them. Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, In order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist. Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate: when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you. Rule Five: In order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early." Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry. Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car? Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chainsaws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better. Rule Nine: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a pot-bellied, balding, middle-aged, dim-witted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me. Rule Ten: Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy outside of Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine. | | | | Joined: Feb 2002 Posts: 7,203 Likes: 11 Community Owner | Community Owner Joined: Feb 2002 Posts: 7,203 Likes: 11 | I love that one! the only spam message i've ever gotten that's put a smile on my face :x.. | | | | Joined: Jun 2003 Posts: 807 Likes: 2 UGN Super Poster | UGN Super Poster Joined: Jun 2003 Posts: 807 Likes: 2 | holy [censored]. i could hardly breath i was laughing so hard when i read that. | | | | Joined: Nov 2003 Posts: 181 Member | Member Joined: Nov 2003 Posts: 181 | I don't have any children, But I couldn't agree with you more.
No matter how complex a lock may be. Someone will always find a key.
| | | | Joined: Oct 2003 Posts: 1,449 UGN Elite Poster | UGN Elite Poster Joined: Oct 2003 Posts: 1,449 | i think giz and i are going to have to use that one... | | | | Joined: Sep 2002 Posts: 390 UGN Member | UGN Member Joined: Sep 2002 Posts: 390 | Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car? BAH HAHAHAHAH! SIN I hate you, I'm sick and you have me cracking up, I also agree with you if I had a daughter I would be the same way, but I had a son so the only worry is him meeting a girl with a dad like you. ![smile smile](https://undergroundnews.com/forum/images/graemlins/default/smile.gif)
"The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources." -Albert Einstein Tech Ninja Security | | | | Joined: Mar 2002 Posts: 860 Likes: 1 Der �belt�ter | Der �belt�ter Joined: Mar 2002 Posts: 860 Likes: 1 | That applies to big brothers too... If any one of you so much as LOOKS at my sisters... | | | | Joined: Feb 2002 Posts: 7,203 Likes: 11 Community Owner | Community Owner Joined: Feb 2002 Posts: 7,203 Likes: 11 | But unreal, what about that one time I came to visit and i hooked it with your mom... Your sister came in and got a piece too... | | | | Joined: Dec 2002 Posts: 3,255 Likes: 3 UGN Elite | OP UGN Elite Joined: Dec 2002 Posts: 3,255 Likes: 3 | IF you are raising a boy you have 1 dick to worry about. Rasing a girl you have a world of dicks to worry about... | | | | Joined: Mar 2002 Posts: 536 Likes: 1 Member | Member Joined: Mar 2002 Posts: 536 Likes: 1 | oh god... i'm going to have print that one off for my dad.. he'll love it. and also.. my brother and his wife are getting to the point where they are ready for children. if he has a daughter, he'll be the exact same way. ![laugh laugh](https://undergroundnews.com/forum/images/graemlins/default/laugh.gif)
"when you look around, you can't tell me honestly you're happy with what you see"
| | | | Joined: Nov 2003 Posts: 181 Member | Member Joined: Nov 2003 Posts: 181 | That was a good one Sin! No truer words were ever spoken.
No matter how complex a lock may be. Someone will always find a key.
| | | | Joined: Dec 2003 Posts: 36 Junior Member | Junior Member Joined: Dec 2003 Posts: 36 | Nice. I'll have to remember that [censored] when I'm able to drive. But I would be too scared to drive because of fathers like you.
kthxbai
| | | | Joined: Mar 2002 Posts: 536 Likes: 1 Member | Member Joined: Mar 2002 Posts: 536 Likes: 1 | yeah my parents loved it. they laughed their asses off.
"when you look around, you can't tell me honestly you're happy with what you see"
| | | | Joined: Oct 2002 Posts: 955 UGN Super Poster | UGN Super Poster Joined: Oct 2002 Posts: 955 | | | | | Joined: Dec 2003 Posts: 19 Junior Member | Junior Member Joined: Dec 2003 Posts: 19 | I like that lol very true as well
V***Iain***V
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Posts: 30 Joined: June 2002
| | Forums41 Topics33,840 Posts68,858 Average Daily Posts0 | Members2,176 Most Online3,253 Jan 13th, 2020 | | | | | | | | | | | Doom 3 by Cyrez - 09/11/14 08:58 PM
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